To be honest, I’m extremely confused about the current state of my life.
It seems like I’m going nowhere fast, like there are things going well and just as many things pushing me backwards. I’m in a relationship that’s.. weird. The music I want to make is too grand for my resources. It feels like I can’t truly express my deepest goals, beliefs, and hardships to anyone.
I hate to complain. I hate when other people complain. I hate it because it doesnt solve anything. Yet, I yearn for someone to complain to (or with.) Someone who gets me and rejects the norm. Someone as adaptable and yet deeply vulnerable. Someone I can fuck for as long or as short of a time as I want without worrying about their satisfaction. I’m sick of juggling everyone else’s satisfaction. I wanna focus on my satisfaction for once. But I dont wanna do it alone.
My ideal partner is mysterious. I love Ghymei, but there is no mystery to him. Or Les. Or NK. Or any guy I’ve seen. Maybe it’s my location, but none of these guys know the value of being coy. They dont realize that part of the reason they like me is because they know so little about me. And the more I learn about them, the less interested I become. I need someone indisposable. Someone smart enough to selectively share the details of their psyche only with those who deserve it. Someone smart enough..
I have no idea where to find this person.
Ghymei is amazing. I hate that I have trouble focusing on what’s great about him. He’s book smart, outgoing (mostly), funny, and helpful. He also looks great naked. Unfortunately, he’s pretty. He’s entitled (in all the wrong ways), needy (ughhh), immature, and extra. He’s sober too, which flips between being a pro and a con on almost a daily basis. When people smoke around him he covers his nose and mouth like a fucking 2-year-old. Attention-seeking at it’s most annoying. And he literally asks for sex. Not in a seductive, submissive, romantic kind of way. But in a “can I have your permission to stick your dick in me” kind of way. Huge turn-off. And he has never had a job. So there’s that.
We’re superficially similiar, he even identifies as bi (though he’s never mentioned any past girlfriends or ever expressed genuine sexual interest in any girl since I’ve met him) and he has consistent, though vague, musical aspirations. We’re just very different when it come to things that really matter when it comes to relationships: our work ethics, sexual stigmas, family values, attitudes towards culture, and communication methods are very different, if not opposite.
I find myself thinking about this a lot. I hate feeling trapped. I hate being held back.
I hate being confused.