Diary Entry 1

To be honest, I’m extremely confused about the current state of my life.

It seems like I’m going nowhere fast, like there are things going well and just as many things pushing me backwards. I’m in a relationship that’s.. weird. The music I want to make is too grand for my resources. It feels like I can’t truly express my deepest goals, beliefs, and hardships to anyone.

I hate to complain. I hate when other people complain. I hate it because it doesnt solve anything. Yet, I yearn for someone to complain to (or with.) Someone who gets me and rejects the norm. Someone as adaptable and yet deeply vulnerable. Someone I can fuck for as long or as short of a time as I want without worrying about their satisfaction. I’m sick of juggling everyone else’s satisfaction. I wanna focus on my satisfaction for once. But I dont wanna do it alone.

My ideal partner is mysterious. I love Ghymei, but there is no mystery to him. Or Les. Or NK. Or any guy I’ve seen. Maybe it’s my location, but none of these guys know the value of being coy. They dont realize that part of the reason they like me is because they know so little about me. And the more I learn about them, the less interested I become. I need someone indisposable. Someone smart enough to selectively share the details of their psyche only with those who deserve it. Someone smart enough..

I have no idea where to find this person.

Ghymei is amazing. I hate that I have trouble focusing on what’s great about him. He’s book smart, outgoing (mostly), funny, and helpful. He also looks great naked. Unfortunately, he’s pretty. He’s entitled (in all the wrong ways), needy (ughhh), immature, and extra. He’s sober too, which flips between being a pro and a con on almost a daily basis. When people smoke around him he covers his nose and mouth like a fucking 2-year-old. Attention-seeking at it’s most annoying. And he literally asks for sex. Not in a seductive, submissive, romantic kind of way. But in a “can I have your permission to stick your dick in me” kind of way. Huge turn-off. And he has never had a job. So there’s that.

We’re superficially similiar, he even identifies as bi (though he’s never mentioned any past girlfriends or ever expressed genuine sexual interest in any girl since I’ve met him) and he has consistent, though vague, musical aspirations. We’re just very different when it come to things that really matter when it comes to relationships: our work ethics, sexual stigmas, family values, attitudes towards culture, and communication methods are very different, if not opposite.

I find myself thinking about this a lot. I hate feeling trapped. I hate being held back.

I hate being confused.

like
Corn Fields

godishood:

Naked ghosts fill this house

they play in the swampy lands outside

Halfway from Wilmingshire

I trek along

as vehicles race past, they get tangled in my hair.

I scratch my roots

shake hands with my ancestors for inspiration

motivation

And those naked ghosts tease with soft ‘hellos’

emerging from and eroding into the crispy air

I breathe in, holding back foolish, unnecessary tears

Remembering dragons dance in the corn fields

We were dragons in the corn fields.

Kings and Queens we were, crowns yet to have been bestowed

Our ancestors must’ve known

refusing to fight as they dirtied their clothes

The children they would never hold must’ve kissed the dragons in those corn fields

and ate their scales for strength.

Tis a trivial notion that licks my mind

as I lay among the naked ghosts here

Colors throw past again and again

Diving over a ledge whose fall I can’t witness 

How I desperately want to peek over, but she playfully rejects my advances

And my covers vanish

her insides cling to the vacuus

Us collide.

Mea dragon trespasses

into the fields our ancestors knew 

time accommodating our yes

For we rule time

at this moment.

I lay with naked ghosts.

They toy with me en route

Forever joyous during the journey

to destination

Comforting frustration makes me boyishly cheerful

alas they depart

Cascading through bounty, they abandon me here

Over the clouds

behind the dawn

betwixt the flora

into the Sun!

And a glorious notion fills my mind

The Ghosts have been the same always

Here.

the whole time

it is I who morphs.

And I wave goodbye

until I am worthy once more.

I push forward, towards Innisfree

And my youth runs through the corn fields

free for a moment’s grace.

like
like